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The other day, my dog Evee and I were tramping around in the hills of our local horse and hiking park, which goes miles into the hills and dells of my town. It's really a lovely place (except that the horses go off the maintained bark trails that are meant for horses, and go onto unmaintained animal and walking trails, destroying the delicate eco-growth, which makes it hard to keep a decent pair of walking shoes😫). So, other than that it's lovely.
It was earlier in the morning and that is the time when we run into groups of moms working out before school and work. They are chattering as they run or walk, full of pre-workout, caffeine or both. You can hear their excited banter from far away, signaling their energetic approach.
And since I use the time as a peaceful, reflective time, I usually avoid running into such groups and take an alternate route. This morning was no different, I heard their approach, I took a different trail. But I still overheard a couple of sentences that one woman was telling her walking companion. It went like this: "....at least you know you did everything you could. You didn't do anything wrong. So going into it, you don't need to feel guilt......."
I thought it was so interesting that one woman was trying to make another friend try to feel better about something she was dealing with. I don't know if it resonated with the woman she was talking to, but it sure resonated with me. I applied what she said to myself and took it literally. It felt like she was saying those words to me.
How many times have I felt guilt, not because of what I did, but what someone was putting on me regardless of whether or not I deserved it? Regardless of whether or not I was trying my best, regardless of what was going on in my life. It's been so many times that I can't even count. And the thing is, I've internalized it. I've felt the burden of it. I have felt so bad and my sense of worth has been diminished.
Here I am, still trying to figure things out, trying to interpret some of my actions and where they came from. Somewhere deep within my unconscious being, a probable self-defense or coping mode had been activated. So embedded that I haven't even recognized it for what it really is.......until recently. I've come to understand what some people with strong personalities, who are close to me have done. They have set me up to be a scapegoat, someone to blame things on, someone to treat poorly because they have seen it done to me in the past. So even though I have done nothing wrong, they like to blame me for things.
