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Recently we went out to dinner and a movie, or should I say pizza and a movie, with some friends and something that we said about taking care of my dad triggered our friend into a story about how her sister has taken over her father's trust and estate and is spending it down like it's her own, even though there are 3 other siblings who are wondering what the heck she is doing. Apparently, when her father was at his least competent, shortly before he died, she went in and had him sign over the whole thing to her and then went to an attorney to make it legal. It has been such a heartbreak because the sister is being reckless and disposing of keepsakes and other valuables without any of the rest of the family's permission. Just to be able to have something that belonged to their parents, the family has to buy it from their sister at an exorbitant price. It's crazy that families can be like that.

So, how concerned are you about property or money settlement issues within your extended family?  I know it can be a sore spot.  When a parent or relative gives out holdings in an unfair way or in a way that people don't agree with, tensions within families can mount.  But is it worth disenfranchising your own family, or worse? If it comes right down to it, I'd rather just let them have the heirloom china and wish them good luck with it.  You can't take it with you anyway!

But that is exactly what happens sometimes. I heard of a story that happened several years ago in Louisa, VA.  A man shot and killed his own son and nephew in an ongoing dispute over a piece of property, not to mention the 4 others that were wounded in the fray.  Then police shot and killed him after he fired on two deputies and released his pit bull on them. Apparently, this 1.5 acres was a real hot commodity among family members. Police were called on multiple occasions to settle disputes amongst the clan.  But it never got violent until that point. 

 Well, sir, I hope you are happy.  You're dead, your son is dead, your nephew is dead, making for a fun-filled party on the other side!  And who gets the 1.5 acres?  I guess whoever was left alive!  I hope the remaining relatives will be a little more wise.  Wow!  I used to live in Virgina.  I'd have to say you might be a redneck if... you bring out the .22 caliber when your limited vocabulary of "Thisheer is ma land...ain't no one else's!" fails to bring about a unanimous agreement!

May I suggest a few ways to insure a peaceful estate settlement when the time arrives?

1.  Only involve the individuals who are named in the will or trust.  The fewer outsiders and outside opinions, the better! Spouses and children who are not directly a part of the settlement don't need to be involved.

2.  Start the conversation!  Many times it is awkward to even mention that someone won't be around forever.  Many times people are afraid that they will sound greedy when talking about estate affairs.  A possible good start to this conversation might be:  "Mom, Dad, I know you love us. You have taught us how to be thoughtful, caring people, by example. I am reasonably certain that you want us to care for you in your old age and for each other when you are gone. You could do a lot to keep the spirit of our family alive and healthy after you are gone by talking to us now. You could make it immensely easier on all of us by giving us some information about your wishes and plans. This is not about money. It is about relationships and trust and responsibility.”

3.  Establish trust between family members - Family history and child rearing methods of prior generations can foster distrust between siblings. Competition among siblings is common. Although it might not be the easiest time, it is a crucial time to build trust among family members.  Do so with open dialogue and transparency of intent.  Now is not the time to have hidden agendas.  

4.  Learn as much as possible - Usually there is one primary executor but if the work is shared, not only is it easier on the executor, the beneficiaries will also have a better understanding of what is involved and have a greater stake in the best resolution for the whole family.